.Monday, April 10, 2006 ' 22:47 Y
you used to be the reason, for my smile.you still are.
yeah its my second post of the day.
been reading blogs of people everywhere..
and its thru the blog entries that i catch up on the daily lives of my friends.
i hope the 2 gals will patch up soon. or at least settle their differences asap.
they've bee frens for like so many years and i didnt expect their internal disagreements to biol up to such vast extent. patch or break. there's only 2 choices.
like in life, there's only black and white.
grey isnt recognised, sadly.
i try not to admit i have a problem.
but its hard to deny any longer when so many things have happened.
opportunities arise more than once. and i thought i was ready to accept and take the plunge. but each time i realise its moving nearer, i cook up excuses to push it away. cos each time it happens, fear overshadows the desire to free fall.
each time it gets near, the hydrochloric acid in me bubbles to boiling point , causing the hormones to act up and the neurones to transmit unintended messages to my organs. and i end up hurting the other one.
it's like a defensive mechanism that acts up to protect its owner each time it senses a blooming spring. as a result, the flower never blooms.
no one understands.
no one.
no one ever really does.
i blog about this cos i wanna let it out.
its like something thats poking me from inside.
its like a dead foetus clinging on to my womb since 14 yrs ago.
if only i could remove this. but i cant.
i can never ever talk about this cos it's been buried deep inside. realli deep inside cos i've always felt that the deeper it's inside, the safer i am.
the deeper its buried, the safer i am.
help me someone.
help me articulate this into words.
i noe i shd have stashed this entry into a private journal or better still let it remain buried inside.
but upon realisation of this problem i've been trying to evade, i think i have to let it out.
cos the strength of this problem may affect someone i totally dont intend to.
and it may just ruin the friendship we have.
why do some people have problems after problems after problems.
people might just find me irritating.
